This summer has been, for better or for worse, not at all what I expected.
I did my best with the preliminary “I’m sick, give me a break” posts — but then I stayed sick. And I stayed sick some more. And sleeping was more important than other stuff, and this thing happens in my head where if I think for too long I get stuck, and can’t write and go a little bit crazy.
Thus, I have several half-finished post drafts waiting for some love. I have a house that is just barely staying presentable (but don’t go in the bedroom). I have lungs that refuse to function properly even after nine weeks.
And a brain that’s having trouble keeping up, too:
Last week, I took the recycling out without realizing one of the brown bags was actually a bag from the grocery store that still had a newly purchased bag of razors and box of tampons in it.
Today, I went to the store solely because we ran out of toilet paper. I bought a ton of peaches and some red peppers on a great sale, ice cream, razors to replace the ones I threw away, some cereal and granola bars… and no toilet paper. And I did the exact same thing last week with laundry quarters. Yes, I brought lists.
I’m not writing this to complain. I actually think it’s a little funny. But it’s absolutely apparent to me, and maybe to everyone, that I don’t feel like myself. And summer is just not a fun time to not feel like oneself.
Yet, my God is good. In this time I also interviewed at the Portland Pregnancy Resource Center, where I’ll be volunteering once a week. I had a phone interview for a new writing client. I told Eric and my mom both multiple times that I wasn’t going to get the job — but I did. Him turning favor on me like I don’t deserve is humbling.
Still, I cough when I drink too much water. I cough when I don’t drink enough water. I cough when I lay down. My inhaler keeps me up at night.
It’s just a funny, throw-things-to-the-wind kind of time. I’m trying to see people; trying to go places. And thank the dear Lord, I can finally hold those babies I love.
Weirdly, I got way better last week, and then worse again on Friday. My lungs, throat, swallowing muscles all feel swollen and hypersensitive. I have a followup appointment with Marc Jacobs the lung specialist tomorrow, so here’s hoping we get to the bottom of this nonsense!
And as my self returns, or I make an effort to keep it in the present, I’ll be around.