Posts Tagged ‘perfectionism’

On the fleeting nature of ideas.

Wednesday, June 13th, 2012

[photo credit]

I have ideas sometimes.

But if you asked me if I have ideas, I might say no.

It wasn’t always like this. I used to have lots and lots of ideas, back before I was self-conscious and a perfectionist. Now, I like other people’s ideas more. I hate that, but it’s the truth. Instead of being productive with a piano and 45 minutes, I like being told what to do. Given assignments. Given thoughts.

Ironically, I do not like being told what or how to think. I just work well within parameters, and I think I might like the freedom to say, if ever I need to, Well, this wasn’t MY idea, but someone had to do it.

And I think — I hope — that I speak for all perfectionists with these statements.

I want to stomp it out, this perfectionism. I want to be ugly:

You can first make it ugly, or not make it at all. There is nothing else.
Jeff Goins

God is the only one who can create beauty out of nothing. Everyone else has to start with something they know. I have to make beauty out of something, and my only somethings are anything but perfect.

Ideas are also hard to catch.

They come at inconvenient times, in dreams, during conversations, at all the moments you don’t have a pen. And they’re so sensitive — more so than I am, and more self-loathing and more scared.

They run away with the slightest sense of I don’t like you very much or You’re not very good, and when you realize you didn’t mean it they’re already long gone.

I’d like to have a date with myself, just for idea-gathering. To prove they still come, and to help ease them out. And then I’d like to choose one, even if it’s less than pretty.

Do you have trouble writing (or otherwise creating) ugly?

brynna